Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Know Pride is Universal

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last four years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Remy and Tara, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Know Pride is Universal:  I serve on the board of Eden Reforestation, an organization that plants trees to save lives in Ethiopia, Madagascar and Haiti.  On August 14^th, 2013 several board members were with President and Founder Steve Fitch in Ethiopia and had an opportunity to visit World Vision’s Humbo Project.  This is a reforestation project near Sodo which is ironically close to our daughter’s birth village of Areka.  Like many reforestation projects, the origin of Humbo’s issue is increased population density in subsistence farming communities which causes people to encroach into the forest for expansion of farms, grazing land, charcoal production, and collection of firewood and construction materials.  And when the forest dies, the people suffer.

Highland! Highland!

We wanted to visit this World Vision site because they have a community based approach in which the entire community owns the land and elects leaders to run the project.  Worknesh Mekonnen, the Deputy National Director led the two-truck caravan that navigated three to four hours of bone-jarring ruts punctuated by squealing children racing alongside our truck yelling, “George Bush! Highland, Highland, Highland!” Highland actually makes sense – it is the original bottled water in Ethiopia and kids collect the bottles.  George Bush?  George don’t get worry about identity theft, two years ago the children yelled “Obama, Obama” when I rode through rural Wolayta.   Mr. President, I promise I won’t mislabel any selfies…

We dismounted the ancient Land-Cruisers and prepared for our two mile walk into the project.  But first, a short visit with the man who leads the community effort; the Elder of the Forest Development Cooperative Society. I feel underdressed as he shakes my hand through the sleeve of a suit jacket.  We stoop to enter the one-room headquarters of the Society.  A dozen people cram into the 70 square foot structure.  The first thing that catches your eye are charts and graphs of progress.  Directly in my line of sight awards decorate the walls, “Worknesh, please tell the chairman congratulations on his accomplishments, he and his people have done amazing work”

The cool part about translated conversation is you get the same broadcast delay used in live TV.  I was watching the chairman, who sat between two of his deputies, who were in turn flanked by more members of the team.  I could see the exact second the information transmitted, his eyes flicked briefly to the pictures on the wall, his back straightened slightly, chest out just a bit and he blinked quickly at each ‘side’ deputy, “Amesegënallô”.  Thank you.  There are few faces stitched on a human more beautiful than satisfaction in job well done.  Not the bad kind of “pride goes before the fall”; but the good kind of pride.  The pride in looking at the thing you have created with your own hands and knowing it is good.  I saw that same face 8,551 miles away several months earlier.

A little over an hour after she opened Are You My Mother, Remy haltingly spat out, “Yes, I know who you are,” said the baby bird.  “You are a bird, and you are my mother” She lay back in her bed mentally exhausted.  Remy had arrived in the States having never been to school and with no more than a few words of English.  Adding to the degree of difficulty rating, the Amharic alphabet does not really give you a frame of reference when trying to read in English, “እወድሻለሁ።” Got it? Of course! This actually means “I love you” – one of the few phrases I have learned.

“Remy – congratulations on finishing your first book!” Her eyes flicked briefly at the book, her back straightened slightly, her chest puffed out just a bit and she blinked quickly at her sister, “Thank you Dod” Same face as the Society Chairman.  Pride. 

What does a man planting trees in Sodo and a girl reading her first book in Austin have to do with leadership?  Money does not motivate. Sure it can attract people and maybe keep them. It might even provide short term bursts of energy.  But pride?  Pride in your own work?  Pride is universal and it is a deep sustaining motivator of the soul.  The leader’s job is to provide people with the anticipation of being proud of their work and the resources to help them create something wonderful.

“Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me … Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me” – Steve Jobs

Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Love Equal Opportunity

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last four years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem (Remy) and Tarikua (Tara), to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Love Equal Opportunity:  On January 3^rd, 2013 my wife and I were in the car with the girls and had ‘one of those moments’.  ‘One of those moments’ are the flip-side on the 45 rpm called adoption with an A-side titled ‘what the heck did we do?’.  The first time I spun that vinyl was on March 9^th, 2012 getting on Ethiopia Airlines flight 702, the same flight that was just hijacked about a week ago.  I looked across the airplane aisle as my wife and I book-ended our two new daughters and mouthed the words, ‘what the heck did we do?’  If you knew ahead of time the cost to adopt you might not do it.  I don’t mean the financial cost, I just mean the emotional cost. 

The A-side gets more playing time, but much like You Can't Always Get What You Want – by the Stones or God Only Knows by the Beach Boys, the B-side can surprise and bring great joy.  Last January we got an amazing B-side.  The type of tune that makes every difficult moment worth it; the song that wipes away the cost.  The girls were in the back of the car chatting in Eng-haric…they were losing their Amharic but were not yet fluent in English.  They were talking about “what they want to be when they grow up” Remy announced loudly, “I will be Doctor” and Tara murmured softly, “I will be Teacher”  Brettne (my wife) and I looked at each other, her eyes shining and we exchanged thoughts with no words….are you kidding me?  From the streets of Awassa to Doctor and Teacher?  Yes they can.  As Remy once told me, “Dod, I can do anything except become the President of the United States”.

As an adoptive parent you consume all the information you can get about the world of your new children.  Our girls come from a part of the globe were it is tough to become Doctor and Teacher.  The regions that started the decade with the largest challenges in education, the Arab States, South and West Asia and sub-Saharan Africa, have all made progress.  But there is still work to be done, more than half of the world’s out-of-school children live in sub-Saharan Africa.  Even though it is fourth on the list, Ethiopia has made dramatic progress.  From 1999 to 2008, Ethiopia reduced the number of children out of school by about 4 million, and it now has a real prospect of achieving Universal Primary Education by 2015.

The challenges for girl’s education are more complex; fifty-two countries have a ratio of girls to boys in primary school of 0.95 or less, and in twenty-six it is 0.90 or less.  In Afghanistan there are 66 girls enrolled for every 100 boys and in Somalia only 55 girls are enrolled for every 100 boys. Had the world achieved gender parity at the primary school level in 2008, another 3.6 million girls would have been in school.  3.6 million Doctor and Teacher…

Equal treatment in education for girls and boys is a source of economic growth, job creation and increased living standards.  But it also saves lives. Evidence from household surveys points to maternal education as one of the strongest factors influencing children’s prospects for survival. If the average child mortality rate for sub-Saharan Africa were to fall to the level for children born to women with some secondary education, there would be 1.8 million fewer deaths – a 41% reduction.  Equal opportunity equals growth and life.  Equal opportunity equals hope.

What does girl’s education in sub-Saharan Africa have to do with leadership?  Napoleon said, “A leader is a dealer in hope” Hope is confidence that tomorrow will be better even if we are not quite sure of how it will happen.  Hope is the glue of every great organization…to create the future you have to believe it can happen.  As the leader, why would you risk it all by denying someone on your team equal access to hope?  Winning requires the best from everyone; the highest use of their talent.  Winning requires that all believe they can be Doctor and Teacher.

“All of us do not have equal talents, but all of us should have an equal opportunity to develop our talents” – John F. Kennedy

Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Don't Ask 'What Are You Doing For Me?'

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Don’t Ask ‘What Are You Doing For Me?’ Waikiki Beach is located on the south shore of Honolulu in the middle of the world-famous neighborhood of Waikiki; once a playground for Hawaiian royalty. Known in Hawaiian as “spouting waters,” Waikiki was introduced to the world when its first hotel, the Moana Surfrider, was built on its shores in 1901.  It was from here that the famed five-time Olympic medalist swimmer Duke Kahanamoku revived and re-introduced the world to the sport of surfing.  Duke even brought surfing to Australia in 1915 by demonstrating the ancient Hawaiian board riding technique at Freshwater near Sydney.

Learning to surf off of Waikiki is fairly easy.  The waves come in gently and reliably, one to two feet high or knee to thigh height.  In addition ‘the coach’ can walk pretty far out into the ocean and still be chest to shoulder depth in the water.  Perfect position from which to give a longboard a gentle nudge.  Ready to nudge 100 yards offshore of Waikiki is where I found myself on July 4^th, 2013.  My oldest son Will was far out in the ocean, already putting his snowboard prowess to the test on some bigger waves.  My youngest son Sam was debating whether or not to surf and I was frustrated.  I had just realized that my five year old shoulder surgery was going to keep me from surfing.

I am from Hawaii; Kama'aina not Kanaka Maoli but my grandfather did move to the islands in 1908 so we have some roots there.   We have brought our family ‘home’ often yet this was the first trip the land of my ohana since the girls arrived and I was committed that they experience all things Hawaiian.  Being home and not trying the surf was like going to Island Snow in Kailua and not having shave ice.  Meskerem (now Remy) must have seen me looking like Eeyore…she stepped up, “I’ll try Dod”.

Remy Kahanamoku

Natural.  Second time up Remy rides to shore.  Five more times she catches a wave with a slight push from the winged surfer and I am over-the-moon excited.  I walk across the water to the beach in my exuberance to congratulate her on this new found and critical life skill, “Remy – one year ago in Africa did you ever imagine that you would be surfing?!” 

Remy looked at me as an entomologist might study an odd walking stick.  Actually, I am being kind to myself.  She really just looked at me like I was the village idiot, “Dod, in Africa we don’t think about surfing” Uh, of course not Remy, what was I thinking?

Zap! Pow! Bam! I realized in her comment that I was excited because I got Remy to do something that was important to me.  Sure she had fun.  But the entire time I was coaching her in the waves my intent was getting her to do something for me.

What does surfing off of Oahu have to do with leadership?  There are only two types of leaders in this world.  There is the leader that somewhere down deep in their core walks in every day thinking, “What will my team do for me today?” and then there is the leader wired right, “What will I do for my team today?”  By this I do not mean, “What will I do for my team today that will make them like me?”  Your team does not need to like you; they need to be successful and your job is to do the things necessary for them to be proud of their work.  Sometimes those are things that may not make them like you.  But with the right intent it is still service.  Leaders don’t ask ‘what are you doing for me’

“The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant” – Max de Pree

Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Don't Dwell on the Differences

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Don’t Dwell on the Differences:  There is a great Ethiopian restaurant in Austin called Aster's Ethiopian Restaurant and I found myself in their parking lot 72 hours after we brought the girls to Austin.    Meskerem and Tarikua opened the car door and became giddy with excitement and not because they could magically divine the sign.  They were hypnotized by the smell.  The scent of authentic Ethiopian food is unique; much like a curry tells you the food is Indian or strong garlic announces Italian food.  Berbere is the spice mix in Ethiopian food that makes it smell and taste, well – Ethiopian (if you make the spice, don’t leave out the Fenugreek).  Smell is the oldest sense and some maintain it has the ability to bring back memories.  Aster’s took the girls back to home to Ethiopia and the news spread rapidly in our neighborhood that berbere was comforting to the two new Americans. 

We are fortunate to live in Austin with its’ Keep Austin Weird state of mind.  Austin has a friendly accepting culture of artistic and individual expression.  But how would our neighbors react to the adoption?  We really did not worry about bigotry, but Ethiopian children in Westlake Hills?  The racial makeup of our area of the city is 95.60% white, so even if folks were accepting, it was still new.  Tarikua tested them (and me) quickly.  Early one morning I was washing my car and she decided the bucket was her bathtub.  She stripped down, sat in the bucket and then took off down the street like a character in a Sandra Boyton book.  I found myself running down the street chasing a naked Ethiopian girl yelling, “Come back to daddy!” This was not my original plan on introducing my daughter to the neighbors but no police were called to the scene; I was grateful our neighbors were accepting and supportive. 

The support came to full bloom in the meal parade that hit our house.  For at least six weeks the smell of berbere spice was ever present.  Every night a different neighbor came by with food for the family; they had all learned about the magic of injera, doro wat, sega wat, allicha, and fir-fir.  My wife and I enjoy a good glass of red wine from time to time and soon our back patio became a combination wine bar and play scape. 

One of my favorite moments of the journey came during one of those early evenings.  Our next door neighbors came over; they have two children and their youngest daughter is the same age as Tarikua (they have since become best friends, the picture is from the first night they met).  As we enjoyed a great glass of cabernet, a baker’s dozen kids scrambled onto the trampoline.  Loud laughter filled the spring evening.  We looked up and my older daughter was directing some new game.  My neighbor shook his head in amazement, “All those kids are from two different worlds, they cannot even talk to each other and somehow they have immediately found a way to play together – they don’t even know they are different” 

The cheapest way to lead is by building a wall around your team saying, “It is us against them” We are good, they are bad.  We work hard, they do not.  We know the answer, they are stupid.  You see these types of self-important teams everywhere.  Since the beginning of time leaders have used the tribal nature of humans to build walls and lead from position of ‘different’ but real leaders don’t do that. 

Diversity is great and should be celebrated.  But celebrating diversity of humanity is different than leading by highlighting differences.   Our organizations are made up of functions, roles, levels and geographies.  It is all too easy to say, “We are doing great in marketing, but sales is not doing their job” or “The Americans just don’t understand how things are done here in Europe”…I have even heard, “The third floor gets more work done than the fourth floor”

What do trampolines have to do with leadership?  The application is Leaders Don’t Dwell on the Differences.  Leadership brings different people together and points them towards something worthy.  Leaders are for something, not against others.   Leaders find and celebrate unity.

“Where there is unity there is always victory” - Publilius Syrus