Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Don't Ask 'What Are You Doing For Me?'

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Don’t Ask ‘What Are You Doing For Me?’ Waikiki Beach is located on the south shore of Honolulu in the middle of the world-famous neighborhood of Waikiki; once a playground for Hawaiian royalty. Known in Hawaiian as “spouting waters,” Waikiki was introduced to the world when its first hotel, the Moana Surfrider, was built on its shores in 1901.  It was from here that the famed five-time Olympic medalist swimmer Duke Kahanamoku revived and re-introduced the world to the sport of surfing.  Duke even brought surfing to Australia in 1915 by demonstrating the ancient Hawaiian board riding technique at Freshwater near Sydney.

Learning to surf off of Waikiki is fairly easy.  The waves come in gently and reliably, one to two feet high or knee to thigh height.  In addition ‘the coach’ can walk pretty far out into the ocean and still be chest to shoulder depth in the water.  Perfect position from which to give a longboard a gentle nudge.  Ready to nudge 100 yards offshore of Waikiki is where I found myself on July 4^th, 2013.  My oldest son Will was far out in the ocean, already putting his snowboard prowess to the test on some bigger waves.  My youngest son Sam was debating whether or not to surf and I was frustrated.  I had just realized that my five year old shoulder surgery was going to keep me from surfing.

I am from Hawaii; Kama'aina not Kanaka Maoli but my grandfather did move to the islands in 1908 so we have some roots there.   We have brought our family ‘home’ often yet this was the first trip the land of my ohana since the girls arrived and I was committed that they experience all things Hawaiian.  Being home and not trying the surf was like going to Island Snow in Kailua and not having shave ice.  Meskerem (now Remy) must have seen me looking like Eeyore…she stepped up, “I’ll try Dod”.

Remy Kahanamoku

Natural.  Second time up Remy rides to shore.  Five more times she catches a wave with a slight push from the winged surfer and I am over-the-moon excited.  I walk across the water to the beach in my exuberance to congratulate her on this new found and critical life skill, “Remy – one year ago in Africa did you ever imagine that you would be surfing?!” 

Remy looked at me as an entomologist might study an odd walking stick.  Actually, I am being kind to myself.  She really just looked at me like I was the village idiot, “Dod, in Africa we don’t think about surfing” Uh, of course not Remy, what was I thinking?

Zap! Pow! Bam! I realized in her comment that I was excited because I got Remy to do something that was important to me.  Sure she had fun.  But the entire time I was coaching her in the waves my intent was getting her to do something for me.

What does surfing off of Oahu have to do with leadership?  There are only two types of leaders in this world.  There is the leader that somewhere down deep in their core walks in every day thinking, “What will my team do for me today?” and then there is the leader wired right, “What will I do for my team today?”  By this I do not mean, “What will I do for my team today that will make them like me?”  Your team does not need to like you; they need to be successful and your job is to do the things necessary for them to be proud of their work.  Sometimes those are things that may not make them like you.  But with the right intent it is still service.  Leaders don’t ask ‘what are you doing for me’

“The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant” – Max de Pree