Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Don't Ask 'What Are You Doing For Me?'

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Don’t Ask ‘What Are You Doing For Me?’ Waikiki Beach is located on the south shore of Honolulu in the middle of the world-famous neighborhood of Waikiki; once a playground for Hawaiian royalty. Known in Hawaiian as “spouting waters,” Waikiki was introduced to the world when its first hotel, the Moana Surfrider, was built on its shores in 1901.  It was from here that the famed five-time Olympic medalist swimmer Duke Kahanamoku revived and re-introduced the world to the sport of surfing.  Duke even brought surfing to Australia in 1915 by demonstrating the ancient Hawaiian board riding technique at Freshwater near Sydney.

Learning to surf off of Waikiki is fairly easy.  The waves come in gently and reliably, one to two feet high or knee to thigh height.  In addition ‘the coach’ can walk pretty far out into the ocean and still be chest to shoulder depth in the water.  Perfect position from which to give a longboard a gentle nudge.  Ready to nudge 100 yards offshore of Waikiki is where I found myself on July 4^th, 2013.  My oldest son Will was far out in the ocean, already putting his snowboard prowess to the test on some bigger waves.  My youngest son Sam was debating whether or not to surf and I was frustrated.  I had just realized that my five year old shoulder surgery was going to keep me from surfing.

I am from Hawaii; Kama'aina not Kanaka Maoli but my grandfather did move to the islands in 1908 so we have some roots there.   We have brought our family ‘home’ often yet this was the first trip the land of my ohana since the girls arrived and I was committed that they experience all things Hawaiian.  Being home and not trying the surf was like going to Island Snow in Kailua and not having shave ice.  Meskerem (now Remy) must have seen me looking like Eeyore…she stepped up, “I’ll try Dod”.

Remy Kahanamoku

Natural.  Second time up Remy rides to shore.  Five more times she catches a wave with a slight push from the winged surfer and I am over-the-moon excited.  I walk across the water to the beach in my exuberance to congratulate her on this new found and critical life skill, “Remy – one year ago in Africa did you ever imagine that you would be surfing?!” 

Remy looked at me as an entomologist might study an odd walking stick.  Actually, I am being kind to myself.  She really just looked at me like I was the village idiot, “Dod, in Africa we don’t think about surfing” Uh, of course not Remy, what was I thinking?

Zap! Pow! Bam! I realized in her comment that I was excited because I got Remy to do something that was important to me.  Sure she had fun.  But the entire time I was coaching her in the waves my intent was getting her to do something for me.

What does surfing off of Oahu have to do with leadership?  There are only two types of leaders in this world.  There is the leader that somewhere down deep in their core walks in every day thinking, “What will my team do for me today?” and then there is the leader wired right, “What will I do for my team today?”  By this I do not mean, “What will I do for my team today that will make them like me?”  Your team does not need to like you; they need to be successful and your job is to do the things necessary for them to be proud of their work.  Sometimes those are things that may not make them like you.  But with the right intent it is still service.  Leaders don’t ask ‘what are you doing for me’

“The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant” – Max de Pree

Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Leaders Don't Dwell on the Differences

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped the last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided emotional lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Leaders Don’t Dwell on the Differences:  There is a great Ethiopian restaurant in Austin called Aster's Ethiopian Restaurant and I found myself in their parking lot 72 hours after we brought the girls to Austin.    Meskerem and Tarikua opened the car door and became giddy with excitement and not because they could magically divine the sign.  They were hypnotized by the smell.  The scent of authentic Ethiopian food is unique; much like a curry tells you the food is Indian or strong garlic announces Italian food.  Berbere is the spice mix in Ethiopian food that makes it smell and taste, well – Ethiopian (if you make the spice, don’t leave out the Fenugreek).  Smell is the oldest sense and some maintain it has the ability to bring back memories.  Aster’s took the girls back to home to Ethiopia and the news spread rapidly in our neighborhood that berbere was comforting to the two new Americans. 

We are fortunate to live in Austin with its’ Keep Austin Weird state of mind.  Austin has a friendly accepting culture of artistic and individual expression.  But how would our neighbors react to the adoption?  We really did not worry about bigotry, but Ethiopian children in Westlake Hills?  The racial makeup of our area of the city is 95.60% white, so even if folks were accepting, it was still new.  Tarikua tested them (and me) quickly.  Early one morning I was washing my car and she decided the bucket was her bathtub.  She stripped down, sat in the bucket and then took off down the street like a character in a Sandra Boyton book.  I found myself running down the street chasing a naked Ethiopian girl yelling, “Come back to daddy!” This was not my original plan on introducing my daughter to the neighbors but no police were called to the scene; I was grateful our neighbors were accepting and supportive. 

The support came to full bloom in the meal parade that hit our house.  For at least six weeks the smell of berbere spice was ever present.  Every night a different neighbor came by with food for the family; they had all learned about the magic of injera, doro wat, sega wat, allicha, and fir-fir.  My wife and I enjoy a good glass of red wine from time to time and soon our back patio became a combination wine bar and play scape. 

One of my favorite moments of the journey came during one of those early evenings.  Our next door neighbors came over; they have two children and their youngest daughter is the same age as Tarikua (they have since become best friends, the picture is from the first night they met).  As we enjoyed a great glass of cabernet, a baker’s dozen kids scrambled onto the trampoline.  Loud laughter filled the spring evening.  We looked up and my older daughter was directing some new game.  My neighbor shook his head in amazement, “All those kids are from two different worlds, they cannot even talk to each other and somehow they have immediately found a way to play together – they don’t even know they are different” 

The cheapest way to lead is by building a wall around your team saying, “It is us against them” We are good, they are bad.  We work hard, they do not.  We know the answer, they are stupid.  You see these types of self-important teams everywhere.  Since the beginning of time leaders have used the tribal nature of humans to build walls and lead from position of ‘different’ but real leaders don’t do that. 

Diversity is great and should be celebrated.  But celebrating diversity of humanity is different than leading by highlighting differences.   Our organizations are made up of functions, roles, levels and geographies.  It is all too easy to say, “We are doing great in marketing, but sales is not doing their job” or “The Americans just don’t understand how things are done here in Europe”…I have even heard, “The third floor gets more work done than the fourth floor”

What do trampolines have to do with leadership?  The application is Leaders Don’t Dwell on the Differences.  Leadership brings different people together and points them towards something worthy.  Leaders are for something, not against others.   Leaders find and celebrate unity.

“Where there is unity there is always victory” - Publilius Syrus