Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Problems with Posing

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped our last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided poignant lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Problems with Posing:  Our older children, the biological boys named Will and Sam, have nicknames born of their personalities.  Will is Socrates, the enigmatic founder of Western philosophy and Sam is Lancelot, King Arthur’s greatest champion and the first to slay an injustice.  Lancelot started life as Caveman but in one glorious moment the caterpillar transformed into the butterfly.

On December 9^th, 2005 Disney released The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.  Brettne and I sat with members of our extended family in a packed theater watching good triumph over evil.  In the pivotal scene right after Aslan’s Christ-like resurrection, the good guys are losing the battle against the Witch and Aslan is playing with Susan and Lucy.  Caveman is agitated.  Caveman leans forward. The battle rages.  The lion gets tickled.  Caveman cannot take it anymore. 

Five year old Sam leaps up on the theater chair bouncing as if it is his own personal trebuchet and bellows in his new found Lancelot voice, “Aslan – Get in the War!”  To which Aslan dutifully complies.  Caveman came into the theater and Lancelot departed.  Since that day, Sam has become the expert on the greatest warriors of all time; Aztecs, Mamluks, Samurai and Spartans.  He knows them all.  He longs to be one with them.

Fast forward seven years.  The girls have just arrived from Ethiopia and the weather breaks in Austin.  With the mercury finally dipping below 107⁰ we are able to turn on the hot tub.  Neither girl knows how to swim at this point so the combination of the heat and head-high water has them tiptoeing about daintily. But not Lancelot.  He is provoking.  He is beginning the joust. He is testing his sister Meskerem.  Sam begins to make a series of highly choreographed moves reminiscent of Chow Yun-Fat in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

“Sam, esstoppit.  Sam, estoppit” Meskerem chants.  But Lancelot continues.  Samurai becomes Ninja and Ninja morphs to Karate Kid Crane Kick.  “Sam, estoppit!” Then Meskerem gets quiet, widens her stance, drops low, brings both hands out in front of her, beckons Lancelot to her with five fingers and lunges with a feline speed and fury.

“Whoa, Dad – what the heck was that” a wide-eyed Sam sputtered as he tripped over himself backpedaling.  “Well Sam, you learned to fight playing Assassins’ Creed on XBOX 360 and Meskerem learned to fight, well….fighting” Posing did not pay off for Sam.  The balance of power between brother and sister shifted ever so slightly.

Lancelot?  Hot tubs?  Kid’s judo?  What does that have to do with leadership?  The application is “Posing Causes Problems” There are all sorts of things your folks are better at doing than you are.  They do not need you to be better than them at the things that make them great.  That is not leadership; that is playground ‘one-upmanship’.  Don’t pose, lead.  Provide hope.  Define the future.  Set the tone.  Model the culture.  Reward the doers.  Own the ‘What'.  Delegate the ‘How’.  Lead.  Don’t pose. 

“Authenticity is the alignment of head, mouth, heart, and feet - thinking, saying, feeling, and doing the same thing - consistently. This builds trust, and followers love leaders they can trust” – Lance Secretan

Leadership Lessons from an Adoption: To Die For

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped our last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided poignant lessons; some of them even apply to leadership. 

To Die For:  On December 5^th, 2011 my wife Brettne and I were at the AWAA Transition Home to meet with our girl’s doctor for the first time.  This home houses children in the process of an international adoption.  The home itself is an oasis; you cannot imagine how difficult it is to maintain a structure in Ethiopia.  Beyond just the home as a haven the staff is amazing; skilled in medicine, therapy, counseling and the greatest of all…love.

We sat with the girls in silence outside the doctor’s office as if waiting for the principal.  A stern looking woman in her late 40’s or early 50’s, white coat, hair pulled back tight and Granny Glasses perched on the tip of her nose walked in crisply.  The girls sat up straight.  The doctor began to mechanically read through the girl’s health report, medications they had been prescribed and results of visits.

As she chirped in a staccato manner I saw her eyes come across something.  She pulled off her glasses allowing them to hang below her neck. Her face broke into a warm smile and her body language moved from professor to mother.  She dropped the report, put both of her hands over her heart and said, “Oh – the girls are Wolaita, as am I; they are my people, my tribe…they are mine!” She started talking to the girls, switching from Amharic, the statutory language of Ethiopia to Wolaytta, the girls tribal language.  I watched the girls physically change at the sound of their language.  The immediate connection was palpable.  I wanted it.  I wanted tribe.

What is a tribe in Western Society?  The Encyclopedia Britannica defines a tribe as “a notional form of human social organization having temporary or permanent political integration, and defined by traditions of common descent, language, culture, and ideology” We don’t have that here.  What must it feel like?  To die for; I think that is how you might describe a tribal feeling.  Your tribe is the people for whom you would willingly die.  Family yes.  Who else?  One of the most famous lines in history is greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

But you say, “Alex – die for our tribe?  Die for those we lead?  What does that have to do with business?”  Hang with me for a minute.  I am not in the military and I therefore never risk it all as do the men and women in the armed services.  But there is lesser way you have to be willing to ‘die’.  One of my favorite books is The Book of Five Rings – by Miyamoto Musashi.  It is a book on strategy, tactics, and philosophy that is still studied today.  Through the book Musashi defends his thesis: the one who conquers themselves is ready to take on the world.  My main take away from this book has always been, “Live your life as if you are already dead and you will always take the right risks”

“Die?  Live as dead?  Five Rings?” The application for us is “Are you willing to be fired?”  When you lead you have to be willing to lose your job every day or you will never make the right decisions for the success of the organization and the people under your authority.  Tribe.  We can have it, but only if we are willing to ‘die’ for it.

“I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion” – Mia Hamm