Lessons Learned from an Adoption: Problems with Posing

Expanding our family through an international adoption has shaped our last three years.  The journey began in December 2009 and in March of 2012 we brought two sisters, Meskerem and Tarikua, to Austin from Ethiopia and into our home.  The adventure continues and the expedition has provided poignant lessons; some of them even apply to leadership.

Problems with Posing:  Our older children, the biological boys named Will and Sam, have nicknames born of their personalities.  Will is Socrates, the enigmatic founder of Western philosophy and Sam is Lancelot, King Arthur’s greatest champion and the first to slay an injustice.  Lancelot started life as Caveman but in one glorious moment the caterpillar transformed into the butterfly.

On December 9^th, 2005 Disney released The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.  Brettne and I sat with members of our extended family in a packed theater watching good triumph over evil.  In the pivotal scene right after Aslan’s Christ-like resurrection, the good guys are losing the battle against the Witch and Aslan is playing with Susan and Lucy.  Caveman is agitated.  Caveman leans forward. The battle rages.  The lion gets tickled.  Caveman cannot take it anymore. 

Five year old Sam leaps up on the theater chair bouncing as if it is his own personal trebuchet and bellows in his new found Lancelot voice, “Aslan – Get in the War!”  To which Aslan dutifully complies.  Caveman came into the theater and Lancelot departed.  Since that day, Sam has become the expert on the greatest warriors of all time; Aztecs, Mamluks, Samurai and Spartans.  He knows them all.  He longs to be one with them.

Fast forward seven years.  The girls have just arrived from Ethiopia and the weather breaks in Austin.  With the mercury finally dipping below 107⁰ we are able to turn on the hot tub.  Neither girl knows how to swim at this point so the combination of the heat and head-high water has them tiptoeing about daintily. But not Lancelot.  He is provoking.  He is beginning the joust. He is testing his sister Meskerem.  Sam begins to make a series of highly choreographed moves reminiscent of Chow Yun-Fat in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

“Sam, esstoppit.  Sam, estoppit” Meskerem chants.  But Lancelot continues.  Samurai becomes Ninja and Ninja morphs to Karate Kid Crane Kick.  “Sam, estoppit!” Then Meskerem gets quiet, widens her stance, drops low, brings both hands out in front of her, beckons Lancelot to her with five fingers and lunges with a feline speed and fury.

“Whoa, Dad – what the heck was that” a wide-eyed Sam sputtered as he tripped over himself backpedaling.  “Well Sam, you learned to fight playing Assassins’ Creed on XBOX 360 and Meskerem learned to fight, well….fighting” Posing did not pay off for Sam.  The balance of power between brother and sister shifted ever so slightly.

Lancelot?  Hot tubs?  Kid’s judo?  What does that have to do with leadership?  The application is “Posing Causes Problems” There are all sorts of things your folks are better at doing than you are.  They do not need you to be better than them at the things that make them great.  That is not leadership; that is playground ‘one-upmanship’.  Don’t pose, lead.  Provide hope.  Define the future.  Set the tone.  Model the culture.  Reward the doers.  Own the ‘What'.  Delegate the ‘How’.  Lead.  Don’t pose. 

“Authenticity is the alignment of head, mouth, heart, and feet - thinking, saying, feeling, and doing the same thing - consistently. This builds trust, and followers love leaders they can trust” – Lance Secretan